ONE LINERS - (APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE)
- All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
- Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
- Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
- How can I get rid of some ugly fat? Send her home to mother.
- How can you tell a macho woman? She rolls her own tampons.
- How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? Her ankles swell up when she farts.
- How can you tell if you are squeezing a woman the right way? You'll feel her crack.
- How can you tell if you eat pussy well? You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
- How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up
- How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
- How do you know god meant for men to eat pussy? Why else would he make it look like a taco.
- How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
- How do you make a woman scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
- How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the curtains.
- How do you tell if your woman is sexually aroused? When you put your hand inside her panties it feels like a horse eating oats.
- How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
- How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? - None - let the bitch do it after she's done the dishes.
- How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner? Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
- How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!
- If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
- Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake
- What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telewoman
- What are the three reasons that anal sex is better than vaginal sex? Its warmer, its tighter and its more degrading to the woman.
- What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose? Darling.
- What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
- What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
- What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay
- What do you call the useless piece of skin around the fanny? A woman.
- What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Give her a kick.
- What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Fucking nothing, you've already told her twice !!!!
- What does a toilet and a woman have in common? Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth a shit
- What does an AIDS patient and the man you caught in bed with your wife have in common? Both have fucked into an early death
- What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is shagging her.
- What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
- What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
- What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
- What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
- What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb
- What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
- What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
- What's six Inches long, two Inches wide, and drives women wild? Money
- What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own.
- What's the definition of a woman? A life support system for a pussy.
- What's the definition of the menstrual period? A bloody waste of fucking time.
- What's the definition of virginity? A big issue over a little tissue.
- What's the difference between a wife and a condom? Nothing! They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough on your dick.
- What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? You come in one and go out in the other.
- What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You only need to punch information into a computer once!
- What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet does not follow you around once you've used it.
- What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.
- What's the difference between a woman's athletic team and a tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts....
- What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]
- What's the difference between P.M.S. and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
- What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.
- What's the hardest part of a sex change operation? Removing half the brain.
- What's the most active muscle in woman? The penis.
- What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's dick.
- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
- Why are clams like women? When the red tide comes, you don’t eat them.
- Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
- Why are hurricanes called after women's names? What starts as a small blow ends up taking half your house away.
- Why are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
- Why are women like parking spaces? The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
- Why are women like rocks? The flat ones are better to skip.
- Why are women like screen doors? Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
- Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and not die.
- Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because they would fill up with dirt if you drag them around by the feet.
- Why did God create woman? Because sheep can't cook.
- Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
- Why did god give women orgasms? So they can moan all night as well.
- Why did god make man first? Because he did not want a woman looking over his shoulder.
- Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
- Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
- Why do little girls carry gold fish in their pockets? To smell like big girls.
- Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
- Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
- Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
- Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
- Why do women have belly buttons? To hold your gum on the way down.
- Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail trails.
- Why do women have more trouble with haemorrhoids than men? Because God made man the perfect asshole.
- Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand nearer the sink.
- Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are 'stupid' but few are blind.
- Why do women skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down.
- Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
- Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
- Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
- Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? Both feel good but you wonder who was there before you,
- Why is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
- Why is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
- Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
